Today was the day. I opened the mail up to find the information packet on my 4-year-old’s school starting next month.
It hit me so hard in the stomach as I read it. Just like that my little 8lb 7oz baby is about to be out in the world….without me…
I really wasn’t expecting to be so taken back by it. I have been amping myself up. Telling myself how amazing, and awesome, and fun it will be for him. Which, it will and, he will LOVE it. The school is a great school. It is the same one I went to for K-5th grade. It is a private school at our church. I know how fun and awesome the school year will be for him and for me. I know he is going to go into it excited and happy. He will grow so much over the next year and it will be such an amazing thing.
At the same time, it is a change. A beautiful change. But, a change. And, it is a change that I won’t be immersed in. And, that makes me a little sad. I know most parents go through this when their kids start school. It is just a first for both of us and, as happy as I am about all the fun and exciting things that we will be doing, I still feel nervous, anxious, sad, happy, joyful, grateful and lucky.
Yes, it is possible to have all of those emotions at once.
Every since I became a mother the idea of time has become this scary thing. You see how much a child changes in just days and weeks. All of the sudden you realize that if you blink you will miss so much. And, that’s just it, I don’t want to miss anything.
There have been so many incredible moments the past 5 years since I found out I was going to be a mom.
It seems like it was just a few moments ago I was taking a pregnancy test. I spent the day driving around backroads thinking, praying, hoping, wondering what was next. It wasn’t a panic feeling. It was this overwhelmingly calm sensation of peace and love. There was this little soul inside of me. An entire future. An entire life. That I was bonded with. That I was intertwined with. That I was connected with.
It doesn’t seem like that many moments later I was holding a sweet little blue-eyed boy every day. This precious little baby that studied my face, my hands, my laugh. I remember thinking on his first birthday how much he had grown in just 12 short months.
In our first vacation when he was 1 year and 8 months, I sat beside his car seat holding his hand as we drove across the state line for the first time. Our first of many adventures since then across the US.
NYC last summer was one of the biggest highlights. It was such an adventure. I have this video of us in Central Park, laying on the beautiful green grass with two of my best friends, as my 3-year-old runs around without a care in the world.
Just this week we have been swimming every day. We have searched the pool for Dinosaurs and swam to the boat (the stairs) to escape our prehistoric predators, except of course the Brontosaurus and Triceratops because they are the good ones.
These moments have been beautiful. They have given me a much deeper sense of myself, of my life, of my love for this little boy.
It just makes me realized how incredibly lucky I am. I wonder all the time how I, out of all the people in the world, get to be this little boy’s mom. I really have been blessed.
As hard as it will be to say goodbye that first day of school (and I will probably cry the entire day) I know that this isn’t just any change. It is a beautiful positive change, that will give us a lot of new memories and, for that I am grateful.